My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
