She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
