Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
