gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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