if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
