We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
