He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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