one might say we're banned from that church
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
