I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
