you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
