I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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