Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
