Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
