and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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