Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You may now shotgun with the bride
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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