I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
