I wish my penis had an off switch
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
