no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
