Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
