I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
