I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize