I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
