So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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