i jhust puked up my retainher.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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