I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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