you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
