Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I FOUND THE LEGS
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Couch. On fire.
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