Where is the hickey?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
