I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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