whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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