You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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