She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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