He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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