i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
