I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
