I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
