I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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