I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
