yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
