He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
