let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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