i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
