I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
