I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
