I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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