my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
