Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
