My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
