Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize