For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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