I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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