Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just cropdusted the office
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
