I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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