if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
