Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
