my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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