you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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