I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
