If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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